MASH (Suicide Is Painless)

Medical Humor



Notes: Many examples of medical humor have come my way. I present a mixure of them for your enjoyment. If you have any you would like to add, please feel free to send them. I thank you for the enjoyment you have given me.



A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."



A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?" "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."



During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines whether a patient should be institutionalized or not."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub with water, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the water out of the tub."

Okay, here's your test:

1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket since it is larger than the teacup or spoon." "No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull out the stopper."



A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"



Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.



A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but you wanted the Lab work and the Cat Scan."



One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?" The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."



The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," replied the student. "And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about the opposite of woe?" The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."



There was a little boy who complained continuously to his parents that he was the smallest student in his class at school. After awhile, the parents took their son to a doctor who examined the boy thoroughly. The doctor took the boy aside and said, "You are fine. You will grow taller. For awhile, you will just have to be a little patient."



These last two are among my favorites. Remember, in today's society, all doctor-patient relationships are partnerships requiring respect on both sides. In some ways, it is like being married. Honest communication is still the key to a good relationship. Good decisions and results are due to the combined efforts of both partners. The flip of a coin is no way to decide important decisions. All learning is good. Be prepared.



Keep in Mind...

Love is grand; divorce is at least a hundred grand.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Remember: amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours is.

I am having an out of money experience.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Got Out In The World...

A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape.

When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

If he or she says that you are too good for him -- believe it.

I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

Living well really is the best revenge.

Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.

Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed pan and hold your hand.

And finally... Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.