"Da Doo Ron Ron Ron"
Position Available: Homeland Security Agent
Notes: The nightmare for millions of Americans is that they are out of work thanks to greed on the part of the 5% that own 95% of this country's wealth. How many of them even know what C.C.C. stands for? If it weren't for FDR and the C.C.C. in a very large part, the U.S. wouldn't have been able to pull out the Great Depression as fast as it did. More importantly, this country wouldn't have been as ready to enter WWII. While the creation of this HTML was meant to satirize the current joblessness of America, I know it can not fix the situation One Iota. May God Bless Us, Everyone. End of Notes.
My Job's Gone Gone Gone[Da Doo Ron Ron Ron]
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I was working on a Monday, now I’ve gone crazy My job’s gone gone gone, my job’s gone gone. Somebody handed me a pink sheet, you see My job’s gone gone gone, my job’s gone gone. My 401(k) Crashed and burned away Guess I won’t get paid My job’s gone gone gone, my job’s gone gone. Now I’m going into the welfare building My job’s gone gone gone, my job’s gone gone. And I started singing this song, you see My job’s gone gone gone, my job’s gone gone. Food stamps are so hot, Job market is not Welfare is now sought My job’s gone gone gone, my job’s gone gone. Suddenly I am living in a dark cold cave My job’s gone gone gone, my job’s gone gone. At least I know on energy I will now save My job’s gone gone gone, my job’s gone gone. I live like Osama From the city I’m far A caveman is par My job’s gone gone gone, my job’s gone gone. |
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If you don't like your job, you will appreciate your job after reading this.... It is even funnier when you realize it's true! Next time you have a bad day at work... think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Here is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on the FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize life's not so bad after all. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole wetsuit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, was laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job!" |
 I love my Job, I love the Pay! I love it more and more each day. I love my Boss; he's the best! I love his boss and all the rest. I love my Office and its location - I hate to have to go on vacation. I love my furniture, drab and gray, and the paper that piles up every day! I love my chair in my padded Cell! There's nothing else I love so well. I love to work among my Peers - I love their leers and jeers and sneers. I love my Computer and all its Software; I hug it often though it doesn't care... I love each Program and every File, I try to understand once in a while!! I'm happy to be here, I am I am; I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam. I love this Work: I love these Chores. I love the Meetings with deadly Bores. I love my Job - I'll say it again - I even love these friendly Men - These men who've come to visit today in lovely white coats to take me away!! |
Position Available: Dog Food Taster
"JOB APPLICANT SPEAK"
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I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office. I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies. MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes. I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly. I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better. I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer. I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot. I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk. I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there. I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away! I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career. |
It Would Take A Mother to Sort This Out
"POSITION: Mother"
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JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. |
Position Available: Slightly Dangerous
" Job Opening Part One "
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There was a disfigured young man who came into town one day. He couldn't find work because people shyed away because his face was grotesque and he had no arms. Finally he decided to go to the local church. The Pastor being a man of God not caring what the young man looked like listened to the young mans plea for a job then said. "It just so happens that we need a bell ringer for our last one just died. Do you want the job and how could you do it? I've noticed you have no hands to hold the rope." So the young man goes up to where the bell is and goes back to the edge of the tower. He starts to run toward the bell and he runs into it with his face which makes the bell ring with a loud clang. He assures the Pastor that he could do that day and night that it doesn't hurt much so the Pastor gives him the job. Years go by and and every hour the young man rings the bell with his face. One day he starts off running and just before he gets to the bell he trips and goes over the edge and lands on the pavement 3 stories below. As people gather around to look at his body someone asks: "Does anyone know who this is?" and someone else replies....."I don't know but his face rings a bell." |
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The young mans brother decides to apply for his recently deceased brothers job as bell ringer after coming to town to bury his sibling. The Pastor takes one look at the brother of the recently deceased and can't believe his eyes. It's like a carbon copy. The brother tells the preacher that they were twins and he would like to carry on his brothers work. He gets the job and like his brother rings the bell by running toward it and hitting it with his face. Years go by and then tragedy strikes again. Just before he hits the bell he also trips on something and sail over the edge 3 stories to his death. The same people gather around and a familiar voice asks: "Well, does anyone know his name?" And another familiar voice replies..... "No but he's a dead ringer for his brother." |
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A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a gun to death with the chair!" |
Under Continuous Construction
JOHN GLENN (ON THE SENATE FLOOR)
Date: Mon, 26 Jan 2004 11:13
Some people still don't understand why military personnel do what
they do for a living. This exchange between Senators John Glenn and Senator
Howard Metzenbaum is worth reading. Not only is it a pretty impressive
impromptu speech, but it's also a good example of one man's explanation of
why men and women in the armed services do what they do for a living.
This IS a typical, though sad, example of what some who have never
served think of the military.
Senator Metzenbaum (speaking to Senator Glenn): "How can you run for
Senate when you've never held a real job?"
Senator Glenn (D-Ohio): "I served 23 years in the United States
Marine Corps. I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions. My plane was
hit by anti-aircraft fire on 12 different occasions. I was in the space
program. It wasn't my checkbook, Howard; it was my life on the line. It
was not a nine-to-five job, where I took time off to take the daily cash
receipts to the bank."
"I ask you to go with me, as I went the other day... to a veteran's
hospital and look at those men - with their mangled bodies - in the eye, and
tell THEM they didn't hold a job! You go with me to the Space Program at
NASA and go, as I have gone, to the widows and Orphans of Ed White, Gus
Grissom and Roger Chaffee... and you look those kids in the eye and tell
them that their DADS didn't hold a job. You go with me on Memorial Day and
you stand in Arlington National Cemetery, where I have more friends buried
than I'd like to remember, and you watch those waving flags.
You stand there, and you think about this nation, and you tell ME
that those people didn't have a job? I'll tell you, Howard Metzenbaum; you
should be on your knees every day of your life thanking God that there were
some men - SOME MEN - who held REAL jobs. And they required a dedication to
a purpose - and a love of country and a dedication to duty - that was more
important than life itself. And their self-sacrifice is what made this
country possible. I HAVE held a job, Howard! What about you?"
For those who don't remember - During W.W. II, Howard Metzenbaum was
an attorney representing the Communist Party in the USA. Now he's a
Senator!
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you are reading it in
English thank a Veteran.
It might not be a bad idea to keep this circulating....
Position Available: D.C. Proctologist
Date: Mon, 26 Jan 2004 11:13
Some people still don't understand why military personnel do what
they do for a living. This exchange between Senators John Glenn and Senator
Howard Metzenbaum is worth reading. Not only is it a pretty impressive
impromptu speech, but it's also a good example of one man's explanation of
why men and women in the armed services do what they do for a living.
This IS a typical, though sad, example of what some who have never
served think of the military.
Senator Metzenbaum (speaking to Senator Glenn): "How can you run for
Senate when you've never held a real job?"
Senator Glenn (D-Ohio): "I served 23 years in the United States
Marine Corps. I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions. My plane was
hit by anti-aircraft fire on 12 different occasions. I was in the space
program. It wasn't my checkbook, Howard; it was my life on the line. It
was not a nine-to-five job, where I took time off to take the daily cash
receipts to the bank."
"I ask you to go with me, as I went the other day... to a veteran's
hospital and look at those men - with their mangled bodies - in the eye, and
tell THEM they didn't hold a job! You go with me to the Space Program at
NASA and go, as I have gone, to the widows and Orphans of Ed White, Gus
Grissom and Roger Chaffee... and you look those kids in the eye and tell
them that their DADS didn't hold a job. You go with me on Memorial Day and
you stand in Arlington National Cemetery, where I have more friends buried
than I'd like to remember, and you watch those waving flags.
You stand there, and you think about this nation, and you tell ME
that those people didn't have a job? I'll tell you, Howard Metzenbaum; you
should be on your knees every day of your life thanking God that there were
some men - SOME MEN - who held REAL jobs. And they required a dedication to
a purpose - and a love of country and a dedication to duty - that was more
important than life itself. And their self-sacrifice is what made this
country possible. I HAVE held a job, Howard! What about you?"
For those who don't remember - During W.W. II, Howard Metzenbaum was
an attorney representing the Communist Party in the USA. Now he's a
Senator!
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you are reading it in
English thank a Veteran.
It might not be a bad idea to keep this circulating....
Position Available: D.C. Proctologist
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