"Fool on the Hill" Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" -Larry Miller If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" -Delta Burke You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" -Dave Barry According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -Jay Leno I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. -Bill Cosby In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? -Jay Leno My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. -Tim Allen We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -Jay Leno When the sun comes up, I have morals again. -Elayne Boosler The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis. -Conan O'Brien Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons. -Tim Allen There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -Jerry Seinfield Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. -Tim Allen AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote." -Jay Leno You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. -Joan Rivers A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes.So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! -Jay Leno Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -Tim Allen Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. -Rita Rudner If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked. -Bill Cosby When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. -Steven Wright After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." -Gary Shandling Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. -Lewis Grizzard The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -Jeff Foxworthy Men get laid, but women get screwed. -Quentin Crisp (English writer) When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. -Frederick Ryder Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. -B. Johnson Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable? -Carrie Snow You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck I think - therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? -Marilyn Pittman When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? -Robin Williams A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad. -Christopher Case Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." -Bob Ettinger My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' -Paula Poundstone A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. -Conan O'Brien Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -Sue Murphy The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' -Jerry Seinfeld Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner. -Lynda Montgomery I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' -Richard Jeni If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. -Johnny Carson Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. -Paul Rodriguez Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? -Lily Tomlin Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. -Jerry Seinfeld In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? -Warren Hutcherson Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player. -Marsha Warfield I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. -Jeff Stilson "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." -Lily Tomlin "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? -Marsha Warfield Have you ever noticed....Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? -George Carlin You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. -Ellen DeGeneres I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -Rita Rudner I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -Carol Leifer I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. -Ed Bluestone The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. -Jackie Gleason I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" -Jay Leno The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. -Roger Simon Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents. -William Coronel Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -Oscar Wilde I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -A. Whitney Brown Suppose you were an idiot...And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself. -Mark Twain Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. -A. Whitney Brown Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. -George Carlin I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. --Bob Hope I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980) Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. --Ernie Kovacs Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936) Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine millimeter bullet. --Dave Barry This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. --Franklin P. Jones Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. --Henny Youngman The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. --H.L. Mencken It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867