Grandfather's Clock


Children

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle-income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.

But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:

* $8,896.66 a year or * $741.38 a month

* $171.08 a week. Or * that's a mere $24.24 a day!

* Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite. So What do You Get for Your $160,140?

* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!

* Glimpses of God every day.

* More love than your heart can hold.

* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.

* A hand to hold which is usually covered with jelly or chocolate.

* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks  performed that day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for:

* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,

* taking the training wheels off a bike,

* removing a splinter,

* filling a wading pool,

You get a front row seat to history to witness the: * first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.

But most important, you gain immortality. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits; so one day they will like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!

Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren!

Having children is the only thing we have a part in the world that is truly Godlike; by being the vessels for creating another human being and bringing another soul into this world.

Kid's Instructions on Life...

"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."

"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."

"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."

"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."

"Never bug a pregnant mom."

"Don't ever be too full for dessert."

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."

"Never spit when on a roller coaster."

"Never do pranks at a police station."

"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."

"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."

"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."

"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."

"Stay away from prunes."

"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."

"Forget the cake, go for the icing."

"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house."

"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."

Mothers and Fathers

Things a Mother Would Never Say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery."

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week."

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."

"Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."

Things a Father Would Never Say

"Well how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions."

"You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for non-chaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?"

"I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude. I like that in a young person!"

"Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!!"

"What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?"

"Your mother and I are going away for while. You might want to consider throwing a party."

"Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickie thingies - you know - that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to the mechanic's and pay whatever they ask."

"No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly aching and lets get to the mall."

"Whaddaya want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend."

"Father's Day? Ah - don't worry about that - it's no big deal."
 

Murphy's Laws for Parents

The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

Leak proof thermoses--will.

The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.
 

Parent Definitions

Amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have kids again.

Defense: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: how teething babies wash their chins.

Family Planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

Feedback: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Owww: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Prepared Childbirth: a contradiction in terms.

Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

Sterilize: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Store Room: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
 

The Elderly

Old Age Hearing

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Generation Difference?

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

Visiting Grandma

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.

I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.

Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed"?

Retarded Grandparents?

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following :

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

Generation Gap?

A Mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning.

"Nobody in school likes me," he complained.

"The teachers don't like me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don't want to go to school."

"But, John, you have to go to school," said his mother sternly. "You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you're 40 years old and YOU'RE THE PRINCIPAL."
 


Grandfather's Clock

My grandfather's clock was too large for the shelf
So it stood ninety years on the floor
It was taller by half than the old man himself
And it weighed not a penny's weight more
It was bought on the morn that my grandpa was born
And was always his treasure and pride
But it stopped short never to go again
When the old man died

Chorus:

Ninety years without slumbering (tic toc tic toc)
His life's seconds numbering (tic toc tic toc)
But it stopped short never to go again
When the old man died.

At watching its pendulum swing to and fro
Many hours he had spent as a boy
As he grew into manhood the clock seemed to know
For it shared every sorrow and joy
And it struck twentyfour as he entered the door
With his beautiful and blushing bride
But it stopped short never to go again
When the old man died.

Chorus:

Ninety years without slumbering (tic toc tic toc)
His life's seconds numbering (tic toc tic toc)
But it stopped short never to go again
When the old man died.

My grandfather said that of those he could hire
Not a servant so faithful he'd found
For it wasted no time and it had but one desire
At the close of each week to be wound
Yes it kept in its place but not a frown upon its face
And its hands never hung by its side
But it stopped short never to go again
When the old man died.

Chorus:

Ninety years without slumbering (tic toc tic toc)
His life's seconds numbering (tic toc tic toc)
But it stopped short never to go again
When the old man died.

Then it rang an alarm in the dead of the night
An alarm that for years had been dumb
And we knew that his spirit was pluming for flight
That his hour for departure had come
Yes the clock kept the time
With a soft and muffled chime
As we stood there and watched by his side
But it stopped short never to go again
When the old man died.

Chorus:

Ninety years without slumbering (tic toc tic toc)
His life's seconds numbering (tic toc tic toc)
But it stopped short never to go again
When the old man died.

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